I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I should rephrase that, I wouldn't know what's wrong with me until I find out.

But that is not likely to happen anytime soon.

Venting things like this is definitely a non-constructive and ultimately silly way of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I should note that there is not really much content available on this post, other than some crazed netizen's ravings that he has done ever since things have started to change (2009 or so).

The first order of business is not to apologise for being absent. I frankly have lost the will to care for keeping this haven updated regularly, due to some untimely, yet positive notion of not giving a crap.
Ooh! He said a bad word on his blog!

No, fear not. I just realised how much I literally do not care about certain things. Or that I should stop needlessly caring about certain things.

It's sort of working out that I've been caring less about worry-inducing things, but at the same time, I am tending to spend that time that's been gained back, exploring and procrastinating on the net at extensive length.

Even now, when I should actually be asleep, I'm still on the net. At least I'm not gaming as much, but the only things really keeping me up late at night mostly revolve in my head or are pleasantly obvious on my desk.

But that said, I still do care for this blog in a way, just that it's a textual expression, rather than just a tool for getting followers and such. There's no such thing as a commercially driven blog that only seeks more hits and followers and... oh wait.

There probably is, but that's not my point.

I don't know.

That's been the single most frustrating phrase I've been using since every single ordeal has started.
Now, it's not to suddenly influence readers to start 'caring' about whatever spiel I'm apparently pushing, but then again, I wouldn't want to undermine the actual value that this could possess.

I know that news and media sites constantly misuse and misconstrue so many 'dramatic' words into their stories in order to save their jobs and maybe, just maybe, get them a chance to get the hot details on their next story. But in terms of this, I can honestly tell anyone that reads this that I am severely and often painfully honest.

I am aware that I can lie, and there are signs that I can give away that I'm doing so, but my motivation to keep such fabrications up often hides those signs.

That phrase is often a lie. I do often know whatever it is that I'm mentioning, but there is actually times where I do mean it.

By nature, I'm compelled to know, and to learn and to remember. And it is true that I should be able to work it out just by thinking. The problem lies in things outside of my control or thoughtspace.

Concerning a certain relationship issue, I actually have no idea, and right now... I'm a bit lost for words.

My ego says it's no big deal, and it wasn't exactly a surprise that I found out in this way.

I've yet to reflect on how I actually feel about it.

That kind of leads onto why I've been saying that phrase and why I decided out of all times to do another blog post now.

I've been writing all sorts of silly troubles in diaries and I thought for awhile that it was a sane way of expressing some things that have never been uttered in reality. One or several of those were concerning what was to happen for this relationship issue.

I came up with 4 possibilities.

One of which, actually came true, as of an hour ago.

It was the most likely one of course.

That things won't work out, but it would be respectfully said.

How's that for some closure?


Anyway, I hoped that it would have been done in an actual direct way, not through an indirect post that I had just sent out to the interwebs (seems a bit silly that I'm reflecting on it in this way), but I can't really change anything about it now.

I think I'll utter that phrase again before I wrap up this post.

I'll sleep on it without my sleep cycle alarm tonight.

Because the world, and I need to.

Peace to the world and Fly On,

Razor Blayde.

If you haven't been living under a fully furnished, sound and radio wave proof rock in the last 6 months, and you have an interest in simulation racing games, I'm sure you've heard a bit about Project CARS, a new community-funded and developed simulation racing game by Slightly Mad Studios (known for NFS Shift series, GTR2 and GT Legends).

I also know that there's certainly quite a mass of opposing people in the internet who will stop at nothing to sprout negative opinions about the ongoing development of the game. Now, I'm not going to lower myself to their level by attacking them for something that doesn't have any objective ground, but I will mention that they have placed themselves in an awfully large veil of ignorance towards the potential of this project.

If you're new to racing games, or just a casual player, then there's also much you can still do for light enjoyment within Project CARS. Although it's targeted for the more 'simulation' focused players, there's nothing stopping new players grabbing a controller, keyboard or racing wheel and going about their business in a Quick Race, Online Race or other game mode. If scripting and such is available to set up custom race events, I'm sure we'd be seeing a vibrant community of mixed participation/skill levels, with everything from Gymkhana, Touge Battle, Drag Races and much more...

There's also something in it for those who like shiny, impressive and "realistic" visuals. What most people would commonly describe as "stunning graphics", are more so the result of carefully tuned and refined aesthetics that combine with graphics techniques to give you a wonderfully customisable (at this time) and animated experience. If the following means anything to you, I'm sure you'll love it as much as I'm saying that it's one of the most highly featured modern game rendering engine by far:

- DirectX 11 Multi-Threaded Deferred Renderer
- Multiple Dynamic Lights with Variable Shadow Quality
- Full HDR-R with Adjustable Options
- Etc.

There's certainly lots to feature in that department, but that could take an entire day or two to post.

The important thing now is that you check out www.wmdportal.com for all the latest news and announcements on Project CARS.

Feel free to join the forums and even purchase a development toolpack to get involved with helping to develop the most promising community-developed simulation game by far.

Oh, and this totally wasn't an advertisement.

Enjoy!

Razor Blayde, Atamarashi

I promised updates a long while ago, and to be completely frank, I haven't lived up to that.

You might say, 'That's a total surprise! Not."

Au contrare!

[Pardon my ridiculous out of place French impression]

I still think I can make this blog actually active, instead of periodic to whenever I feel like it. It's not the same as a diary, but a web-based way of keeping my digital musings up and running is eternally beneficial nonetheless.

Maybe I can tempt readers back with this tasty morsel of a video I literally just made a few minutes ago?



Hope to see ya again,

Razor Blayde
 

Now I guess there's no way I could know what everyone's doing this year...

(Hint hint, New Year Resolutions)

Though what I do know for sure is that I haven't even made my Resolution either. Not because it's my faux resolution to not make a resolution, or that I've suddenly turned into an all-knowing guru and I no longer need one.

No, the real reason is that I've started to see the pointless nature of "New Year Resolutions", and also that I'm lazy with making them, except for last year.

Now last year was a bit of a hit and a miss with a few different things, probably to do with the start of the HSC journey, booyah. There was my first, then second LAN party, my first time driving manual (eek! Asian drivers!) and much more.

I did miss a few opportunities and ended up almost doubting myself for some of my exams, though I was still pretty pleased with how they turned out (1st in Software Design ftw) with a fair spread of excellent results all around.

But enough about last year, and back to my point: There's some kind of social pressure on people around New Years time to make a Resolution, which often results in the most demotivational and plagiarised mantras known to society. What I can't honestly believe is how anyone could follow such a distant and not to mention, cliched tradition for an entire year.

What I do agree with though, is when people do take the time to create their own motivations personally and without external 'help', so that it stays true with them for that year and actually has some depth to the written or typed words.

The best kind of motivations don't have a time-expiry like New Year Resolutions, even though every year marks the start of a new one. These exceptional ones stay on forever and even help those who make them through some very trialling times!

So the next time you ever make a New Years Resolution if you've made one already for this year, try sitting with yourself, sipping your favourite drink and listening to your most inspirational music: and simply create your true motivation for your life in the future, no matter how insignificant the thing is.

See you next time,

Razor Blayde (or Atamarashi)