I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe I should rephrase that, I wouldn't know what's wrong with me until I find out.
But that is not likely to happen anytime soon.
Venting things like this is definitely a non-constructive and ultimately silly way of trying to figure it out.
Anyway, I should note that there is not really much content available on this post, other than some crazed netizen's ravings that he has done ever since things have started to change (2009 or so).
The first order of business is not to apologise for being absent. I frankly have lost the will to care for keeping this haven updated regularly, due to some untimely, yet positive notion of not giving a crap.
Ooh! He said a bad word on his blog!
No, fear not. I just realised how much I literally do not care about certain things. Or that I should stop needlessly caring about certain things.
It's sort of working out that I've been caring less about worry-inducing things, but at the same time, I am tending to spend that time that's been gained back, exploring and procrastinating on the net at extensive length.
Even now, when I should actually be asleep, I'm still on the net. At least I'm not gaming as much, but the only things really keeping me up late at night mostly revolve in my head or are pleasantly obvious on my desk.
But that said, I still do care for this blog in a way, just that it's a textual expression, rather than just a tool for getting followers and such. There's no such thing as a commercially driven blog that only seeks more hits and followers and... oh wait.
There probably is, but that's not my point.
I don't know.
That's been the single most frustrating phrase I've been using since every single ordeal has started.Now, it's not to suddenly influence readers to start 'caring' about whatever spiel I'm apparently pushing, but then again, I wouldn't want to undermine the actual value that this could possess.
I know that news and media sites constantly misuse and misconstrue so many 'dramatic' words into their stories in order to save their jobs and maybe, just maybe, get them a chance to get the hot details on their next story. But in terms of this, I can honestly tell anyone that reads this that I am severely and often painfully honest.
I am aware that I can lie, and there are signs that I can give away that I'm doing so, but my motivation to keep such fabrications up often hides those signs.
That phrase is often a lie. I do often know whatever it is that I'm mentioning, but there is actually times where I do mean it.
By nature, I'm compelled to know, and to learn and to remember. And it is true that I should be able to work it out just by thinking. The problem lies in things outside of my control or thoughtspace.
Concerning a certain relationship issue, I actually have no idea, and right now... I'm a bit lost for words.
My ego says it's no big deal, and it wasn't exactly a surprise that I found out in this way.
I've yet to reflect on how I actually feel about it.
That kind of leads onto why I've been saying that phrase and why I decided out of all times to do another blog post now.
I've been writing all sorts of silly troubles in diaries and I thought for awhile that it was a sane way of expressing some things that have never been uttered in reality. One or several of those were concerning what was to happen for this relationship issue.
I came up with 4 possibilities.
One of which, actually came true, as of an hour ago.
It was the most likely one of course.
That things won't work out, but it would be respectfully said.
How's that for some closure?
Anyway, I hoped that it would have been done in an actual direct way, not through an indirect post that I had just sent out to the interwebs (seems a bit silly that I'm reflecting on it in this way), but I can't really change anything about it now.
I think I'll utter that phrase again before I wrap up this post.
I'll sleep on it without my sleep cycle alarm tonight.
Because the world, and I need to.
Peace to the world and Fly On,
Razor Blayde.
